if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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