chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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