is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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