my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Randomize
