I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
