His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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