Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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