come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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