if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We are two peas in an std pod
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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