Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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