I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
