Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
