I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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