I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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