I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
