So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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