Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
