Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
being pregnant is like rehab
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
