1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
