So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
