dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize