I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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