Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
