woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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