I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
