So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
