Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
