When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
