my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He? As in you personified your dick?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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