We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
North Korea, Best Korea!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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