The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
