i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
