Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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