They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
