Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
