Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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