the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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