I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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