I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Come on in and take your pants off
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