I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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