and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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