my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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