i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize