Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
