peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she told me i tasted like america
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
PANTIES FOUND
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