hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
