my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i would punch a child for taco bell
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
