I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
