i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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