My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
