wanna go halves on a baby?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
