Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
