moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
