Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
