Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
