i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
