cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
