Whatcha textin bout Willis?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
