Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
